Dialogue between the Reverend Alida DeCoster and
the Reverend Lillie M. Henley 19 Nov 2006
DeCoster: Rebecca Ann Parker shared a story about a spiritual experience she had with her brothers when she was young. The story is in Proverbs of Ashes : Violence, Redemptive Suffering, and the Search for What Saves Us which she co-wrote with Rita Nakashima Brock. When Rebecca was a teen, she went hiking with her brothers. The day was foggy and the only reason they could hike, was that they had been on this mountain many times in their young lives. Actually, they could not even see where they were going, but the knew the way to the top. Just as they reached the summit, the clouds cleared, the sun shone brightly, and they could see the pinnacle of the next mountain. It was such a beautiful, once-in-a-lifetime experience, it took their breaths away, and they stood for many moments not speaking, only taking in the beautiful revealed sight, until the clouds closed around them and they could no longer see anything but their immediate place.
Parker wrote that spiritual experiences are like that. We struggle to experience spiritual awakening, and it happens when we least expect it, allows us to “see and know” for just a moment, and then it is gone!
Henley—Question 1: In one of my books on spiritual direction, I read where a spiritual director had a young monk move a pile of rocks from one side of the garden to another, day after day after day? Why was that so important?
DeCoster—Response 1: Lillie, I love this question! I am not sure but it seems to come from the Eastern tradition because it makes me think of the teaching of mindfulness. This is a spiritual discipline of becoming fully aware of what we are doing in the present moment. We usually have what is called “monkey mind”, meaning that we are all living in a mental whirlwind most of the time, thinking of all our daily problems and tasks, our relationships, our jobs our desires and observations. Beginning a spiritual discipline involves beginning to focus more on one thing at time, especially, the task right before us and letting go of the monkey mind for a bit.
There are lots of examples of this. I think of Gandhi and his spinning. He used it as a discipline to exalt the simplest things of life to a spiritual practice, to identify with those who labor with their hands, and also to focus the mind and develop self discipline. I think the teacher in your example is teaching what is called “beginner’s mind”, or the practice of focusing and simplifying, of letting go of all that is extraneous and unimportant and feeling at one with all of life.
Developing any spiritual practice can help us in these ways. In both Eastern and Western traditions, developing our own rituals and disciplines will eventually bring us closer to the source and help us to feel one with all. Thich Nhat Hanh’s wonderful books, especially The Miracle of Mindfulness, are especially instructive. I remember he writes of washing the dishes as a meditative practice. He instructs us to carefully do one thing at a time and pay attention to the activity in minute detail. He says, “When you eat, eat”, “when you walk, walk”, “when you sit, sit”. All these instructions remind me of the young monk moving rocks back and forth. We are being taught to do things with attention and reverence to develop new habits of the mind and heart.
This begins to explain the value of ritual in our lives. When rituals are handed down and we engage in them unconsciously, that may give us some comfort of tradition. However, when we are consciously engaged in them as ways to discipline the mind and heart, we may begin to find deeper meaning in these practices.
Henley—Question 2: As you know, before you can enter the ministry, the UUA requires a lot of psychological testing. Since seminary, I’ve done a lot of “personal growth work.” I have some things I need to work on to be a better minister, and some things I just need to work on for myself. When does a person know she or he needs to think about finding a spiritual director?
DeCoster Response 2: As a spiritual director, I would begin by saying that spiritual direction per se is not for everyone. Spiritual practice is a broader topic, or umbrella, and we can probably all benefit from some kind of spiritual practice that suits our own personality and needs. This could be journaling, prayer, or meditation.... anything that turns us toward that deeper place in ourselves, what many call God. Engaging in a spiritual practice is a response to a longing for connection and wholeness, a longing for God.
Spiritual direction is a particular discipline growing out of the monastic tradition of Christianity. It usually means meeting monthly or so with an experienced spiritual director who is a companion for you on your journey toward God and wholeness.
Now, back to the question of when do we know we need some help on this journey? That is hard to answer, because we are all different, but I will say that a deep feeling of longing is a clue. We are all lonely and thirsty for God at some level. Don’t we all want more of a sense of belonging? Don’t we all struggle to make sense of our experience and seek meaning? Carl Jung said that all problems people have over the age of fifty are spiritual problems and I agree with that assessment.
HOWEVER, there is an important difference between psychotherapy and spiritual direction and I want to be VERY clear about that today. While there is overlap in the process of meeting with a safe, caring person over time, therapy is based on the medical model that something needs fixing. Therapy is designed to have an ending, understood as a return to health or at least increased health. It also costs more.
Spiritual direction, on the other hand, is simply understood as companionship on the journey. The only “problem”, if we even use that word, is the challenge of living our lives more fully and more consciously. We have someone to talk with about our search. We pray together about the concerns of the person in direction. The intention is a deeper relationship with God. Spiritual direction can continue all one’s life, though perhaps not always with the same director.
How do we know we might benefit from spiritual direction? Are we longing for meaning and for God? If so, just give it a try and see if it helps.
Henley—Question 3:Now, I have what I call spiritual practices. I have a gratitude and prayer journal. Every morning I write in the journal all the things for which I am thankful. Then I begin to pray. I pray for others. Ask that they be blessed, or cared for, or just for God to let them know they are loved. Yet, I feel like something is missing in my spiritual life. What is the most important thing for us to have in mind when we think about spiritual practices?
DeCoster—Response 3:In response to this question, first I’d like to comment on the reading from Matthew. These instructions about prayer are interesting to me. As with all scriptural passages, there is much to interpret here and many ways to interpret. What strikes me first is the instruction to not show off. Don’t stand on the street corners to be seen. The instruction to pray in private does not mean corporate prayer is inferior, but to urge people to also pray privately. I like this idea, that our intimate relationship with God is very important. This is the heart of spiritual direction, that we should listen continually to the still small voice of God in our own hearts, trying to discern how God is leading us. I think Matthew is urging us to develop our own prayer life and offering assurance that there will be spiritual rewards when we pray regularly. Further, this passage lifts up the value of silent prayer, prized by the contemplative tradition in Christianity. Rather than babbling in words, we are called to simply open our hearts and rest with God. God knows what we need.
What else would I say about spiritual practices?
Based on what my directees say to me, most people have trouble saying with their spiritual practices. I say to that: be gentle with yourself. Forgive yourself AND keep at it. Eventually there are wonderful rewards that become motivating but it takes awhile to get to that point.
Another important thing I’ve already said, is to be sure to try as a spiritual practice something that suits your own personality and needs. Don’t make it unnecessarily difficult or foreign. I knew of one teacher who said journaling was IT, another who indicated that his way was the best and so forth. I don’t agree with that attitude. We are all different and have different needs. If daily journaling does not work for you (my hand gets too tired) try a daily practice of reading poetry. It’s OK. However, eventually you should stick with one thing and do it every day. I find prayer easier to stay with because it is based on an relationship. I don’t feel alone when I pray.
To make it a little easier to start, I also encourage people to keep it short if they need to. If they can only spend five or ten minutes a day at first, that is OK. If it makes it easier to stick with a regular practice that way, go ahead. Don’t think you have to sit on a cushion for twenty minutes twice a day if that really feels too difficult. Do what works for you, stay with it and build on it over time.
What I will say is, a spiritual practice will eventually bring you many benefits as you learn to let go of monkey mind, reflect on your life, get more comfortable with silence and become closer to God.
Let me share with you my own spiritual practices. I am involved in a spiritual healing community that has certain rituals in the morning, at night and at meals. I pray to begin the day, and at the end of the day, and say grace at meals. These five times of day become important markers in my life and reminders of the gift of life. I spend no more than five minutes at a time, but the frequency keeps me in touch with the holy. I count other things as part of my spiritual practice: a weekly body prayer class I go to, meeting with my directees, attending church and leading worship in my work setting. Whenever I intentionally focus on God, I consider that activity my spiritual practice, and I feel closer to God. What does that mean?
Once I heard a guru say, how do you describe what a banana tastes like? Is there an answer? Well, it tastes like a banana. You know it when you experience it. However, there are clues. The closer we are to God, the more we feel at peace in ourselves, and the more we feel compassion for others. When we come to learn that we are embraced by God, that God is patient with us, AND leading us toward lives based more and more on love. It is a life long journey.
Henley—Question 4: Alida, how important is my “gratitude”? How does gratitude enter into this process with spiritual direction and God?
DeCoster—Response 4:I have heard it said, I don’t know by whom, that if we were to say only one prayer, “thank you” would be enough. I love the passage from First Thessalonians. “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Imagine for a moment the wisest person you know. Is it someone with a joyful expression on their face? “Be joyful always”! What a lesson that is. How do we become joyful? I believe it is by grounding ourselves more and more in gratitude: gratitude for life itself, for the miracle of it. For all we have and all we can give, even for limits. For each precious moment of life. Gratitude leads us to compassion. Gratitude is the ground for sustained contributions to the community. Sometimes we don’t see the connection between spiritual life and social concern, but they are inextricably connected. The more we see our own interconnectedness with all, through a relationship with God, the more grateful we are. Then, the more inspired we are to give back, to welcome others into the beloved community - to serve as we are able. Gratitude itself is a prayer, an attitude of the heart through which all things are possible. Whatever our spiritual practice, whether or not we are ever in spiritual direction, gratitude is the flowering of the spirit.
Henley—Question 5: Inviting God, asking for transformation, how do we do that?
DeCoster—Response 5:This is a two part question. Inviting God is one thing, asking for transformation is another. But I would say they happen in this order. If we are aware of being on a spiritual search, and frankly, not everyone is, but if we are, we will be first motivated by a longing for connection, for wholeness, for a relationship with God (another way to say that). We invite God by inviting God. The prayer of petition is “please help”. Recognizing our need for God is the first step, and many people never take it. Not everyone has an understanding of God that leads them into such a so-called personal relationship. I feel fortunate that I do have a sense of an intimate relationship with God, though I would not call it “personal”. If you don’t conceive of God this way, even so, a sense of growing spiritual fulfillment is possible through many means, simply by setting ourselves upon a spiritual path. It is a great mystery, and true, that with openness and willingness, spiritual abundance can be ours. So we invite God by inviting God.
Transformation is something deeper: a willingness to change and be changed. Change is the hardest thing for human beings. Think about it. Most of us have to be forced to change. When bad things, or even good things, happen to us, a big life change or crisis of some kind, that is when we are most likely to change. People who are forced to go through changes early in life may have more practice at it, but sooner or later, we all are faced with the challenge of ageing and death. These experiences make us or break us spiritually. Who weathers the storms well, and who does not? A willingness to be transformed, to surrender when we must, to discern when we should and should not let go....all these are discernments. One of the primary functions of a spiritual direction relationship is to discern how we are being called in the occasions of our lives. The serenity prayer expresses it so well: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Henley Responds:At a recent Unitarian Universalist minister’s symposium, I shared some time climbing a mountain for the first time with a UU minister who grew up in a UU church that was predominantly humanist. She gave me permission to share this story. She, too, grew up with a humanist mother, and believed that, she too, was a secular humanist who did not believe in God.
Throughout her adult life she worked in the non-profit arena, helping direct many different agencies who did a lot of social service and social justice work. However, for many years, she wondered if this was all? If this was what she was supposed to do—it seemed as if there was supposed to be more to her life.
Eventually, she found an institute that taught spiritual direction and meditation. She began to practice meditation on a daily basis. One day, deep in contemplation, something came over her, or to her, and she realized, it was God. “God” she thought, I don’t even believe in God, and yet, here God was, within me.
She said something like, “What a revelation, a real epiphany.”
Needless to say, her life was changed. Eventually, she felt called to the UU ministry, she went to seminary, and now she is a UU minister. Her theology and ministry are grounded in the God she experienced when she didn’t even believe in God.
Spiritual direction, spiritual practices—there is no telling what will happen when you begin the journey.
My prayer today, is that all of us, will begin, if we haven’t already, an intentional spiritual journey, and for those of us who have already begun such an exploration, a deeper and more contemplative journey.
Amen and blessed be.
Readings
Reading I: Matthew 6:5-8, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Reading II
From Inner Way Toward A Rebirth of Eastern Christian Spiritual Direction by Joseph J. Allen.
… inner spiritual transformation is brought about when one’s heart remains open to God’s grace, which seeks ever to enter it…
As [Jesus] faced his Cross squarely, so we too must “take up” our life crises … We must “pass through” our crises rather than flee or deny them. We cannot “dig out” unless we first “dig in.” …St. Peter of Damascus … [wrote] “To him who has come to know himself is given the knowledge of all things.”
In our own [dark night] we understand the… cries of anguish, uttered long ago by the Psalmist as he begged for that healing and reconciliation which can come only from the God who dwells in the depths of each human being. We hear these words anew and listen and obey. We enter into our own depths … but in seeking transformation, we shift our “center” from our depths to the depths of the compassionate God whom we encounter within. After all, theology teaches us that healing is God’s activity, and it is Gods’ will if we allow him to use our brokenness to bring forth new life.
Posted by Sue Mosher at November 19, 2006 09:52 PM