A Sermon by Rev. Henley on July 26, 2009
Complaint Free World Foundation has now shipped 5,986,564 bracelets around the world to sixty countries. Their goal is to ship 60 million bracelets. That will be one percent of the worlds population. If one percent can change, become a happier person, it will, definitely change the world.
There is a very popular song on YouTube, there are several artists who sing it. Actually it is quite old, written by Clara H. Scott in 1895.
Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free.
Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me,
Spirit Divine!
Open my ears that I may hear
Voices of truth Thou sendest clear;
And while the wave notes fall on my ear,
Everything false will disappear.
Open my mouth and let me bear
Tidings of mercy everywhere;
open my heart and let me prepare
Love with Thy children thus to share.
Open my mind that I may read
More of Thy love in word and deed;
What shall I fear while yet Thou dost lead?
Only for light from Thee I plead.
A couple of years ago, I got a big, manila envelope here at the church, and inside was this book A Complaint Free World—How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted.
It was addressed to me. Over the last couple of years I asked other UU minister if they had gotten the book, and all of them had said, “no.” A very few had heard of it. All said it must be interesting. Hum, what does that say to me?
I got on the web and went first to the website of the Christ Church Unity in Kansas City, Missouri. It was a sermon that Will Bowen had recently preached and many stories about how the sermon affected him and his congregation. Sounded pretty good. I read the book, parts of it several times, and put on the purple bracelet.
Then I got on the web and found that another UU minister had preached on “A Complaint Free World,” and later another. Soon I found several sermons by allkinds of ministers on “Complaints.”
Now, two years later, using an advanced search with these words “A Complaint Free World” and “sermon” there are 62,100 entries on Google.
It’s really very simple. First we have to familiarize ourselves with the word “complaint.” Complaint means: an expression of grief, pain, discontent.
an expression of
grief
pain
discontent
We know the power of words. God said, “Let there be light” and there was light. And God said, “Let there be space between the waters … there was water… God said, and there was…
We know the power of Jesus’ words, how they changed the lives of the marginalized in Galilee.
John 15:20 Jesus said, “Remember what I have told you.” And John 16:39 “I have told you all this that in me you may find peace.”
And in Matthew 24: 35 Jesus said, “Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words never will…”
Matthew 5:23-24 So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your bother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your bother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.
WE know the power of words from our academic studies, from literature, from our work, and especially from our interpersonal relationships. How many times have you heard, when someone is telling a friend or a pastor, about “why” she or he is getting a divorce or leaving someone, and they say, “It has been happening for years, but I put up with because of this… or that… but when s/he said, ‘….,’ that was it. S/he shouldn’t have said that. That was it for me.”
If we think complaining is an innocuous pastime, a pastime that gives us pleasure or benefit, we are deluding ourselves. Shortly after Nine-Eleven, Rev. Bowen sat beside a man on a flight to Washington, D.C., who was dressed in a floor-length coat, two pair of gloves, two ski masks and high boots. Rev. Bowen wasn’t very comfortable on the flight and finally decided to speak to the man. He wanted to be subtle. “Why are you dressed like that?”
It seems the man used to live in D.C. and when he lived here he was fine, but after he moved to Montana, every time he came back to D.C., and it was several times a year, he had allergic reactions to the air and everything around him. He would develop rashes on his skin. His breathing would become labored. So he decided to dress this way to avoid the reactions.
Then Rev. Bowen asked him, what do you do? He said, he is a consultant, and he works in politics. He has to find the gory and the gutless, the seed, the way behind the scene trash about the opposing party. Rev. Bowen thought to himself, “No wonder you have to dress, your words are killing you.”
Then the man asked Rev. Bowen what he did. Needless to say, there was not much conversation after that.
To complain is to express grief, pain, discontent.
There are legitimate times when we need to express grief, pain, and discontent.
Grief and pain over loss of live, love, and family.
Discontent with how one’s jobs, goals, and perhaps gym work-outs are going. Even discontent on how the children’s grades are.
This is not complaining: Waiter, my soup is cold, could you please bring me another cup of vegetable soup that is hot?
This is complaining: How dare you water serve me cold soup. Are you the incompetent coming out of the kitchen, or is the cook still in there? I want my soup now, hot, can you understand that?
Research shows that most people complain fifteen to thirty times a day.
The challenge is not to shut up and suck it up. The challenge is to create a complaint free world with more healthy communication.
Complain directly to and ONLY to the person to which you hope to change their behavior. But make sure it is positive and affirming. The healthier communication. Complaining in a negative way is not healthy communication.
Complain directly to and ONLY to the person to which you hope to change their behavior.
We know the power of words—all of us do. From the toddler learning to talk, to the CEO of your company, to the Secretary of Education, to Congressional leaders, to our teenagers.
We know the power of words.
Our words create our lives,
Our thinking creates our words
There is a direct relation between the reality we create with our words and the response to that reality that creates our thinking which creates our words
Complaining can be destructive:
Word can be damaging, and we usually think about it this way.
When somebody else has bad breath, we notice it.
When we do, we don’t.
When someone else complains, we notice it.
When we do, we don’t.
From Will Bowen we find five wasy complaining is destructive in our lives.
1. Complaining is about getting attention. You are sitting around a small group. Work, church, at the dog park with you dog. When you complain, you get attention. For some reason, we like complaining. We like to do it, and we like to hear from other people, about other people. Some of us who have a spouse, partner, respond to them with complaints. “Honey, how was your day?” “I had a horrible headache all day.” “I have a headache from the horrible traffic.” Does it get you attention? Yes, it is positive? Does it affirm and make joyful your relationship with your spouse?
2. Complaining allows us to avoid taking action. I saw a communications company commercial on television complaining about Direct TV. They have no solution to their problem so a member of the team says, “Let’s play the blame game. I blame Elaine.”
Complaining is focusing on the wrong things and avoiding action.
3. Complaining is a pre-excuse for poor performance. Bowen said, “If a co-worker comes to work complaining that he got no sleep last night because the baby was up all night, s/he might as well say, ‘don’t expect anything from me today!’”
4. Complaining is bragging. Complaining about the other person says, “She’s wearing the same dress. It looks awful on here.”
“Look at the way he drives. Crazy. Hey why don’t you watch where you’re going,” and they can’t even hear you. “Idiot.” What are we really saying? I’m a better driver. I wouldn’t do that.
5. Complaining gives you control over the other person. It gives you a “one-up.” At work, if you say to someone your report was just what we needed, the boss was there, too; but, the model you used was wrong. Another one would have been better.
It is from another universe, in another church, in a much distant past that I tell this story. One day an elderly parishioner called me about 11:00 and said, “Jack just died. The police just left.”
I said, “Let me get a few things together and I’ll be right there.” I grabbed toothbrush, toothpaste, Skeeter, pajamas, and was out of the house in six minutes. She lived an hour and a half away. She was a regular at church and she was 79!
I spent that day with her, helped her with the funeral arrangements, helped her deal with people in her family who were as sad as she was, but a lot more dysfunctional, and stayed until well into the night. Spent the night. Helped her the next day, then went home to create the rituals and liturgy we had planned for the service. The funeral service was the very next day.
It was a beautiful service, the kind of service her good, ol’ cowboy son would have liked, with honky tonk music by Hank Williams, Jr., and the like. After the gathered passed by the coffin, and then the family passed by, there was one parishioner left. She was a friend from the church of the mother. She came up to me, and directly and only to me and said, “Beautiful service, too bad someone didn’t light the candle on the altar.”
Where was this purple bracelet when I needed it?
When I got the book and the bracelet two years ago, I never made 21 day challenge. After about a month, I took the bracelet off and said I would wear it metaphorically. You know what, I have been metaphorically moving the bracelet when I complain. I try not to complain, and I try not to react to others who are complaining. To tell you the truth, I felt a little silly about wearing it since I never saw any others.
What happens is simple and powerful.
What happens when you wear the bracelet and you make a pledge not to complain for 21 days. Switch, jerk, and tug, and pull, and hurt yourself, pop yourself, simply, with no fuss, move the bracelet to your other arm.
What happens is simple and powerful.
Remember it takes people from four months to eight months to get out of the habit of complaining.
And no you cannot wear one on both wrists.
Remember, psychologists say it takes 21 days to create a new habit. I think it takes longer for me. But lets go with 21.
What happens is simple and powerful.
You are happier. You have happier thoughts. You look happier. People around you say you must be happier.
All your relationships are better.
Witnesses for the 21-day challenge say their purple bracelet has made them
More patient
More kind
More gentle
They also say, “start over” “always start over,” “don’t give up.”
Is Oprah Winfrey. Rev. Bowen said that she asked him to be on her show to talk about Complaint Free World. After the show, she quietly said to him, I don’t have anything to complain about. Bowen thought to himself, “Well, no, you are one of the wealthiest, most respected women in the world, what you have to complain about!!!!!”
She said again, “I don’t complain, and I don’t envy. I’ve been that way for as long as I remember.”
What happens is simple and powerful.
People are happier.
You’re at the baseball, football, basketball, hockey, did I miss anyone in here, you’re at the stadium and the umpire referee makes a bad call. Legitimate complaint. You have to decide if you move your bracelet.
Now if someone else is complaining, it is okay to tell them they are complaining, but you have to change your bracelet first before you tell them.
Open my eyes that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free.
Silently now I wait for Thee,
Ready, my God, Thy will to see;
Open my eyes, illumine me,
Spirit Divine!
See the bracelet, we need to open our eyes. The purple bracelet is a wonderful key from God. Sent to Rev. Will Bowen so we could all, we could all, be happier.
Posted by UNMC Office at July 27, 2009 11:52 AM